I missed a birth ...

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A beautiful baby girl was born just after 5 am I wasn't there when it happened.

Let me start by saying one of my biggest fears is that I might sleep through a call in the middle of the night. I keep my phone on full volume every night I am on call with a client for this very reason. I have special ringtones set up and make sure each client is on a breakthrough list so the phone will ring no matter what but there is always that little nagging feeling that I can't trust the technology to do what it needs to do when a client needs me the most. When the phone rang in the wee hours of the morning, the phone did its job and I woke up to the client's sister telling me it was time to head to the hospital.

I got up, turned on the kettle for tea, got dressed, and was ready to go once I had assured the cat that she would be fed as soon as my other-half got out of bed. I made my way to labour and delivery, checked in at the nurse's station, double-checked what room I was headed to, and in under 45 minutes, I walked into the client's room and saw mother and daughter enjoying skin-on-skin bonding.

A lot of things crossed my mind at that moment. The first was an immense joy for this new family, the second was disbelief that the baby had come so fast, and the third was a bit of guilt that I hadn't been there to support them.

I have seen many posts in our doula communities about doulas feeling guilt and disappointment over missing a birth for one reason or another and as I sat in the delivery room as my client and her sister shared what had transpired I realized I shouldn't feel bad because I was exactly where I needed to be when they needed me most and it wasn't at the birth.

Let me explain ...

I met this client and her sister by chance. I was asked to be back up for their primary doula who was going to be away during the first part of the 3rd trimester. She would be back 10 days prior to the clients EDD so the chances of me attending the birth were quite low. I was only covering 4 days of the on-call window and would offer 1 prenatal visit to meet face to face and get up to speed with the plan.

The in person visit with the client and her sister went well and while the client was determined to have a planned c-section, we covered the how to recognize labour just in case baby had other plans. During that visit I felt called to lean heavily into the power of the birthing person's body. This is not something I ever do! I am a firm believer that every person has the right to make the choices that are right for their body, and their birth but I felt the need to lean into the notion she could have a vaginal birth without fear and she was willing to hear what I had to say even though she had her mind made up on how this baby would be born. I left her with information on how to cope with early labour and when to call me and the care provider just in case she needed it. I also left knowing I had led the meeting from a place of bias but I wasn't sure why.

Hearing them tell the story over a homemade traditional meal they had brought with them to share after the birth was incredible. They were so connected to each other that they were finishing each others sentences and their bond was a powerful energy in the room. They aren't twins but in that moment they could have been co-joined they were so connected to each other!

The client's labour started at 38+2, my last night on-call with her before the primary doula arrived home, and she and her sister spent the day doing light activities including shopping and prepping meals and after supper they headed to the hospital and were sent home to wait for things to progress. It never occurred to either of them to call me or let me know things were progressing. They were in their zone together and all was well.

A few hours later they were back at the hospital for pain management and things were going well. Sister helped with massage and counter pressure and they were told it would be a while yet as the client was only 4cm. Once again they didn't think to call me as they were managing well together. A few hours more and the client asked for an epidural and I was called at 4:30 am to join them. That is when everything changed and the baby was born vaginally before myself or the anestitist could arrive!

A beautiful baby girl was born just after 5 am I wasn't there when it happened.

These two powerful women didn't need a doula in that room.

All they needed was each other and the lessons their doula shared with them at their kitchen table.